Sunday, April 14, 2013

For the Birds

Dear Mama Bird On My Front Porch,

You may or may not be the same one with whom I had an encounter a few years ago. Regardless, I cannot allow you to build a nest in the bucket on my front door.

Yes, I know it seems like a double-standard, since I let that other mama bird build her nest on the back porch light. However I must let you in on something…she built that whole nest in a day while I was gone…there was no stopping her.

I will have you know that following my post showing her nest, I received a rather panicked message from the sister-in-law of a friend. Her family had let birds repeatedly nest on a porch light and over time the bird’s excrement caused severe damage to the wires. Because the damage was inside the light and the wall, they couldn’t see it and continued to use the light. One day, the damaged light sparked, causing a fire which burned their entire house to the ground…very little was saved, with the exception of their lives.

I never knew that bird poop could cause such fear, and yet it has. Because of that, we clearly can no longer enjoy the backporch birds either.

Mr. Always Random took down the nest this afternoon, before any eggs were laid.

So now no one is special…except for maybe the birds who are nesting in the curves of the raingutters…I have no problem with them…so far.

All this rambling to say, I apologize for destroying the pile of sticks you had amassed and so carefully placed in my flower bucket today. But trust me…your mark is still there in the poop you deposited on my fake flowers.

And while we’re addressing the issue of poop, were you the one who apparently roosted in the bucket all winter, flying out at my son each week as he came home in the evenings from CYT class? “Mom, that same bird scared me again when I started to open the door!”

It was either you or one of your little friends who spent many a night there, as your calling card filled the bottom half of the bucket over the course of the winter.

I’m sorry it took me so long to open it…but I didn’t discover it was even there until I removed my winter arrangement and realized, much to my surprise, that the bucket was considerably heavier than it had been when I hung it up a few months prior.

After I gagged and heaved and threw up a little bit in my mouth, I collected myself, put on gloves to remove the flowers, and walked out to the woods to dump out your gift.

And then scrubbed and disinfected the bucket. The old me might have just thrown the whole thing away and started over…but not this gal. She’s too frugal for such frivolity.

Who am I kidding…even the old me would have saved the bucket.

I had been wondering how, exactly, to tell you that I disposed of a gift which you clearly worked long and hard on it…for several months apparently. And though it was a gift you made yourself, I do not want you to recreate it.

In fact, please pass the word to all your little birdie friends: no nests allowed on the front door. Any nests or attempts at nests will be promptly removed from the premises.

OK, maybe not the premises, but at least from the bucket.

Also, no loitering in the bucket allowed either.  This takes us back to the above issue which I would prefer not to revisit.

Finally, you may be asking yourself, “Why does she keep the bucket there when she knows we’ll just keep returning?”

Actually if the term “bird-brain” has any merit, you probably aren’t asking that at all…and may even not be able to read this letter which I am taking such care to pen.

Well, to answer this question, I submit for your perusal two photos:  one of the door with the bucket 

and one of the door without the bucket.

Now I ask you…which one is truly more welcoming? The one with the bucket, right? They both say, “Welcome” but the one without the bucket isn’t really bringing it, is it?

You probably can’t even read the “Welcome”.

Granted, the whimsical doormat is always welcoming for someone with a proclivity for wit, but somehow I doubt that’s the draw for you. And frankly I don’t think it’s strong enough to carry the entire “welcome expectation” of the front door.

And thus I feel it is important enough to the overall appearance of the door to continue to fight with you and your little army of feathered friends. Consider war declared!

Be sure to know this: I will win either way.


Mrs. Always Random

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