Spray Painting Instruction…May Include Overspray

So…some of you may have stumbled onto this post uninformed and unaware. Caution: this is not really a post offering the reader quality spray painting tips. So before you go any further, please know that you have my permission to bail out.

You’re viewing already counts in my log and since that’s what I’m really after, feel free to pull the rip cord on this.

However, if you are truly seeking helpful (not quality necessarily) spray painting tips, you might want to stick around.

I do have a few. I’m not ALL fluff.

Random and shallow…yes. All fluff…no.

Now because it is summer and you are all "footloose and facy free," you are looking for some artsy-fartsy craft projects (maybe even some from this new thing you might have seen. What’s it called…Pinterest?). 

And what makes  a project better than some good, old-fashioned spray paint?

So…without further ado, I give you my version of good (because I am clearly lacking in my ability to recall decent adjectives) spray painting instructions:

• Read the directions…always a good idea with any endeavor, however I scarely (ok, I’ve NEVER) read spray paint instructions. Ever. I mean seriously…how hard is it? You remove the lid (thankfully, they have changed the lids from those impossible-to-open-without-a-screwdriver ones), ensure that the nozzle is directed at the item you intend to paint and push down. Voila.

Well, there must be more to it, right? Otherwise my search online (yes, I am full-service…I actually researched some of it, so you know it’s legit) would have left me empty-handed.

• So…after reading the directions, you should place the intended item on a large dropcloth. Or old newspaper (which is my dropcloth of choice). The overspray can get everywhere. If you don’t have extensive enough coverage, and you happen to be painting in the garage (insert aimless whistling and looking around at the sky here), you may find that you have the outline (I liken it to some dead body tape) of the painted item forever affixed to the garage floor. The grass in the lawn is not nearly so permanent (as one can imagine), assuming you mow your lawn with some degree of regularity. NOTE: This is not true during a drought…you will most-assuredly have those outlines for weeks if not months if Mother Nature does not see fit to send you any rain for the grass to grow. In that case, I suggest you use green spray paint, because the lawn will not only not grow, it will also die.
• Go light with each coat…better to do 20 coats (this is possibly something of an exaggeration here) than one that is heavy and runs and turns out all gloppy (yes…that is the technical term).
• Wear a mask…well, I never have and I’ve not experienced any issues…

What was I talking about? Oh yes…a mask. Yeah I just hold my breath and make sure I paint in a well-ventilated area. Preferably outside as the weather allows. When I die, the autopsy may show my lungs to be a veritable rainbow of spray paint colors, thus proving my theory to be incorrect…so take it for what it’s worth.

So these things are mostly common sense, right? Well they should be. But if not, consider yourself notified…at the root of each of those items is some glimmer of truth.

Now…here are the secondary rules by which you SHOULD abide…these are not necessarily common sense. Maybe. OK, not for me and since I am clearly the epitome of common sense, they obviously cannot be common sense material.

That being said, I shall not tarry.

• Don't spray paint with a fresh manicure. If you choose to throw caution to the wind, I assure it that it will be this ONE TIME that the paint nozzle clogs and paint will shoot out all over your hand. Mostly on your nails. In fact…wear gloves if at all possible. I personally can’t stand to wear gloves when I paint b/c the can always feels like it’s sliding out of my hand…but it works for some people. Just not me.
• Don't spray paint when it's humid…the extra moisture in the air makes the drying process last for DAYS. Or it at least feels that way. And it may never dry at all (ok, that's not entirely true...but it will feel tacky for a LONG time. It may also look tacky, but that's more about operator error than the weather.)
• Don't spray paint when it's windy…ok this should be obvious, right? You will end up with a new outfit whether you want one or not; sure it’s ala the 80’s with the nod to splatter painting, but still. It would appear new.
• Don't spray paint when it's rainy (goes along with the same reasons for not to spray paint when it's humid).  The whole “additional moisture” thing does not mix so well with paint.
• Don't spray paint when it's very hot. It can cause the paint to bubble, which will create more work for you. If you do get paint that bubbles, DO NOT PANIC (say this in the same voice as the ant in Bug’s Life. “Do not panic! Do not panic! We are going AROUND the leaf!”) When the paint dries (yes, just let that bubbling dry too…don’t try to fix it when it’s wet...you will only serve to make a larger mess of things), you can lightly sand it down and re-paint. Voila!
• Don't spray paint when it's very cold…also can cause the paint to bubble. (See above for details on the "additional work" part.)

Now, these last two are possibly the most important…and dare I confess...most recent additions to my list. I know you can hardly stand the anticipation.

• No matter how long you have had those projects necessitating spray paint on your list, do not...I repeat, DO NOT spray paint outside on a day when the cottonwood is flying around like December snowfall.  I promise...the projects can wait another day. Or two…whenever the cottonwood is no longer falling AND has blown away into oblivion. If it is still on the ground, it will most-assuredly blow and stick right to your project. Consider yourself notified.
• Also...no matter how quick you think you will be, do not...I repeat, DO NOT, grab the spray paint and try to apply "a quick second coat" when you're on your way in the house upon returning from the neighborhood pool. You will benefit greatly by taking the extra couple minutes to go inside and get dressed BEFORE returning to paint. If you heed this advice, the handyman who is scheduled to drop by your house to take a gander at the siding that needs to be repaired will be spared some embarassment when he rolls up to the house; he won't see you standing in the front yard wearing your swimsuit and holding a can of spray paint...because let's be honest: nobody wants to see that.

You're going to have to trust me on this one.

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