Monday, December 16, 2013

Mom Told You Not to Lick People

In the car, the PBA were discussing swirlies. 

And how the 12yo wanted to give one to the 10yo.

And the 12yo was maintaining that he could, in fact, EASILY pin his brother down and do it.

He cited the example of my SIL doing that very thing to my beloved husband.

The difference is she was 10 and he was 3 at the time of said incident.

My boys are 10 and 12.

As I was quick to point out to the 12yo, “You may easily pin him to the ground, but you might really struggle to heave him up and get his head in the toilet.”

Lest you, the reader, be confused, I was not encouraging the action; I was merely pointing out the obvious flaw in the 12yo’s thinking. Moms are good for such things.

12yo: I wouldn’t have any trouble.

10yo: Yeah you would…and I would get away because I’d just lick you.

12yo:  I thought mom told you not to lick people.

I’m going to pause in my story right here and address that comment which may or may not have been noticed. And I shall high-light it for you: “I thought mom told you not to lick people.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have said that very thing, “STOP licking me!” as well as “Quit licking your brother!”

And let us not forget "Don't lick other people!" (or yourself, but that seems obvious; true, so should "don't lick other people" but I did have to say that too...)

To be fair, it isn’t because he has some weird penchant for the salt in a person’s perspiration or anything like that…it is because the antagonist (almost always played by the 12yo) is doing something to him which he finds objectionable; though he is surely quite wiry and scrappy, it is not usually enough to thwart the offender.

I, too, sometimes play the antagonist, as I like to wrap him in a bear hug in which he cannot free himself. You would too if you knew him…he’s just that adorable.

At some point, he learned the disgust factor of licking other people (I’m somewhat fuzzy on the details on how this epiphany came to him, so please do not ask; I’m not entirely sure I want to know, actually) and has employed this seemingly-non-violent act virtually non-stop ever since.

He totally throws caution to the wind…licking hands (and God only knows what germs lie on them) and faces, seemingly willy-nilly, but in actuality it is quite well-thought out.

So, back to the story: “I thought mom told you not to lick people.”

10yo: “Yeah, she did.”

12yo: “But you’re going to do it anyway?” (He sounded absolutely incredulous, but that was primarily for my benefit…feigning surprise that his brother would deliberately do something in direct opposition to what he’d been told! We were all *shocked*. Also as an aside, the 12yo, I am CERTAIN, would NEVER do anything in direct defiance to a parental unit.)

10yo: “Oh yeah, it’s my escape plan!”

He might be on to something with that. Strong though he might be, his brother has bulk and leverage of size. He wouldn't admit any of that, nor would I say it to him...regardless, he's completely aware of the odds being stacked against him. He may not have the brawn, but he does have the brains.

Me: “Can I just say something here? I am not saying he SHOULD lick you, but in that instance, I think licking you and risking the punishment which may accompany that (as well as any illness he might willingly ingest) would be better than a swirlie any day.”

12yo: So if I tried to give him a swirlie and he licked me, he would get into trouble?

Me: Yes.

12yo: Just to be clear, what I’m hearing here is that it would be ok for me to give him a swirlie, because he would be the one to get in trouble because he would be the one licking me. Is that right? Do I have that right?

Me: Uhhhh no (please use your best Despicable Me Minion voice here)…I don’t think so. I’m very confused right now because is that what I said? No, it's would BOTH get into trouble.

12yo: Oh...(his elation clearly deflated because he had not discovered the elusive loop-hole in the staunch "No swirlies!" rule at the PBA.)

This is from 2008 and one of my favorite shots of the PBA together...I don't know what the oldest one said to make the younger one cry, but it was effective. And he doesn't look too sorry about it...


  1. Somewhere around here, I have a notebook filled with things I have said as a mom. I don't know if it has "Don't lick other people!" but I know it contains gems like, "Get the dog fur out of your mouth." Truth is, indeed, stranger than fiction.

    1. I know...I wish I had taken the time when they will little bitties to write down on the things I said which I never dreamed I would. :)

    2. We have also kept a list (although it's in about five different places) of things Kidzilla has said that were absolutely hysterical (even if they weren't) as well as those gems we never imagined we would say. They make great stories later!

  2. I have a very similar picture of my two boys. Funny!

    I remember saying "Nobody LOOK at anybody!!" (it was the classic "Moooom! He keeps looking at me!!"--it had gone on and on and on, until I snapped "NOBODY LOOK at ANYBODY!!!")

    And although, not applicable (in the sense that your kids are not Autistic), but your story reminded me of this blog's banner taken from a bumper sticker, I believe:

    1. I am certain I have said that "Nobody look at anybody!" or another of my favorites "Nobody touch anybody else ever again!"

      I will have to check that out...thanks for the tip :)

  3. (*tiny, tiny, almostimperceptiblevoice* there's a very small possibility I might've been known to lick people...)


    (yeah. So there's that...)

  4. You, Miss Germaphobe herself, has a licker!?!? That makes me smile so wide. :)
    I was right with your 12yo. I never heard you say swirlies were against the rules. Until the end. When you did.

    1. Yeah, just one more item of proof that God has a sense of humor...

      So you're as mature as a 12yo that what you're saying?

  5. This one hooked me on the title alone - love it! You have to admire the logic of kids when they're trying to figure out how to negotiate these little challenges in life. :)