Mom Told You Not to Lick People

In the car, the PBA were discussing swirlies. 

And how the 12yo wanted to give one to the 10yo.

And the 12yo was maintaining that he could, in fact, EASILY pin his brother down and do it.

He cited the example of my SIL doing that very thing to my beloved husband.

The difference is she was 10 and he was 3 at the time of said incident.

My boys are 10 and 12.

As I was quick to point out to the 12yo, “You may easily pin him to the ground, but you might really struggle to heave him up and get his head in the toilet.”

Lest you, the reader, be confused, I was not encouraging the action; I was merely pointing out the obvious flaw in the 12yo’s thinking. Moms are good for such things.

12yo: I wouldn’t have any trouble.

10yo: Yeah you would…and I would get away because I’d just lick you.

12yo:  I thought mom told you not to lick people.

I’m going to pause in my story right here and address that comment which may or may not have been noticed. And I shall high-light it for you: “I thought mom told you not to lick people.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have said that very thing, “STOP licking me!” as well as “Quit licking your brother!”

And let us not forget "Don't lick other people!" (or yourself, but that seems obvious; true, so should "don't lick other people" but I did have to say that too...)

To be fair, it isn’t because he has some weird penchant for the salt in a person’s perspiration or anything like that…it is because the antagonist (almost always played by the 12yo) is doing something to him which he finds objectionable; though he is surely quite wiry and scrappy, it is not usually enough to thwart the offender.

I, too, sometimes play the antagonist, as I like to wrap him in a bear hug in which he cannot free himself. You would too if you knew him…he’s just that adorable.

At some point, he learned the disgust factor of licking other people (I’m somewhat fuzzy on the details on how this epiphany came to him, so please do not ask; I’m not entirely sure I want to know, actually) and has employed this seemingly-non-violent act virtually non-stop ever since.

He totally throws caution to the wind…licking hands (and God only knows what germs lie on them) and faces, seemingly willy-nilly, but in actuality it is quite well-thought out.

So, back to the story: “I thought mom told you not to lick people.”

10yo: “Yeah, she did.”

12yo: “But you’re going to do it anyway?” (He sounded absolutely incredulous, but that was primarily for my benefit…feigning surprise that his brother would deliberately do something in direct opposition to what he’d been told! We were all *shocked*. Also as an aside, the 12yo, I am CERTAIN, would NEVER do anything in direct defiance to a parental unit.)

10yo: “Oh yeah, it’s my escape plan!”

He might be on to something with that. Strong though he might be, his brother has bulk and leverage of size. He wouldn't admit any of that, nor would I say it to him...regardless, he's completely aware of the odds being stacked against him. He may not have the brawn, but he does have the brains.

Me: “Can I just say something here? I am not saying he SHOULD lick you, but in that instance, I think licking you and risking the punishment which may accompany that (as well as any illness he might willingly ingest) would be better than a swirlie any day.”

12yo: So if I tried to give him a swirlie and he licked me, he would get into trouble?

Me: Yes.

12yo: Just to be clear, what I’m hearing here is that it would be ok for me to give him a swirlie, because he would be the one to get in trouble because he would be the one licking me. Is that right? Do I have that right?

Me: Uhhhh no (please use your best Despicable Me Minion voice here)…I don’t think so. I’m very confused right now because is that what I said? No, it's not...you would BOTH get into trouble.

12yo: Oh...(his elation clearly deflated because he had not discovered the elusive loop-hole in the staunch "No swirlies!" rule at the PBA.)

This is from 2008 and one of my favorite shots of the PBA together...I don't know what the oldest one said to make the younger one cry, but it was effective. And he doesn't look too sorry about it...

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