Friday, May 3, 2013

Straighten Up Part 2

An Open Letter to the Editor:

To Whom It May Concern (But mostly to a local orthodontist who shall remain nameless),

Do you ever feel as though your teeth aren’t as straight as you might like?

Perhaps you have an over-bite or an under-bite which is somewhat pronounced?

You’ve tried, time and again, any and every “over-the-counter” remedy possible?

You’ve pondered veneers and just aren’t convinced that they’ll hold up to all your mad chewing skills.
So you finally decide to go for it and take the advice of an orthodontist.

Following such an appointment, it was explained to me that a tooth positioner is a fabulous item for such an issue.

That is, if the needs aren’t great and if the issue is minimal.

You may have read a previous post regarding a tooth positioner. And I am here today to talk to you about the very same one.

Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox.

I think the whole tooth positioner thing is a sham. The whole bloody thing (Sorry for the cursing…it’s not really cursing in America, but if you’re in England, you may be offended. Sorry.) is a farse.

This orthodontist clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing and I denounce the entire practice to be inept!

They and the products they prescribe don’t do squat and I am here to prove it.

Just look at my teeth!

In fact, after my initial wearing of said tooth positioner, the silly thing looked like this:

What’s that you say? You’re not supposed to CHEW on it? And it’s NOT for dogs?

Oh…my bad.

I’d like to revise my statement. I think the orthodontist is a lovely individual who is well-educated…undoubtedly the best in his class. And his entire staff? They are Top NOTCH!

I’m certain that the tooth positioner is a fabulous product when used correctly. By humans.

I’d also like to offer a sincere and humble apology to Mrs. Always Random, to whom the tooth positioner belonged, and at whom I growled and snapped when she tried to wrestle it from my jaws of death.

I’d like to also apologize to Mrs. Always Random because she will have to pony-up the $80 for a new tooth positioner, and I have no way to pay her back...except with sitting on her lap, which I know she loves.

BTW, while I have her attention, I need her to know that I am also in desperate need of a trip to the groomer’s, which will, undoubtedly, set her back an additional $35.


PS In case you were wondering, the life lesson is to keep your bedroom door closed AT ALL TIMES!


  1. After looking at Indy, I assumed that you were getting it for the dog... Hahah yes I am proud to say I still have my retainer some place in my house, that is unless someone threw it out... in which case I no longer have it in my house.
    good luck on the 2nd try...

  2. You might as well let him chew it now. I mean, it can't hurt! It will take a lot of lap sitting to make up the $80, let alone the growl and snap! Sounds like someone else will need to do laundry and dishes while Indy makes his payments!