When I was in Middle School, one of my best friends had fake
glasses. She looked so studious. I was so envious…yes I know “A heart at peace
gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)…but I still
wanted those glasses.
I don’t exactly know
why I didn’t just go to Claire’s and get a pair for myself. You know what I’m
talking about? Claire’s? Best accessory store of the 1980’s…hands down. Yes, I
know it still exists and from what I’ve seen at our local mall, still appears
to be doing quite well. But I haven’t been in one since, oh, the 1980’s…so I
can’t really make a well-informed assessment, now can I? You don’t want me to
make recommendations on places I haven’t darkened the door of in 20-some years.
Anyway, Erin had glasses and I wanted some. Never before had
I wanted glasses. No offense to anyone I know who wore glasses prior to that…and
I know there are some of you who did.
It wasn’t until Erin bought them at an ACCESSORY store that
I realized that they could be a fashion item as well as a necessary item for
functioning in the real world.
Ever since then, I have waited, almost eagerly anticipated,
the day when I would get glasses. It’s sick, right? And I don’t mean that in
any sort of Hipster way…I mean it’s a little weird, a little off-kilter, and
little strange to want to have to wear something additional in order for a part
of your body to function properly…so you can do what you need to do in the
course of a day.
And yet, I longed for the glasses.
A few years ago, my 11yo was having some vision issues. Ok, it
was a little more than that. I’ll lay it out for you. When I took him at age 5
to the pediatrician’s office for his Kindergarten shots, they did a cursory eye
check. He stood at one end of the hall and the eye chart was at the other end.
They had me stand behind him and cover his left eye. With
his right eye, he was able to read everything, no problem.
Then they had me switch and cover the right eye. He
immediately began squirming and balking, pushing me away. Very unlike him. Through
the course of several attempts, the doctor determined that he (my son, not the
doctor) could not see the big letter “E” on the chart.
Whoops.
The doctor, Dr. Kidd (BEST.NAME.EVER. for a pediatrician) referred us to a local eye doctor. Upon full examination, it was quickly
determined that the child’s vision was 20/800 in his left eye. Oh yeah.
I.Had.No.Clue. I didn’t get the award
that time, but I was “First Runner UP” for “Mother of the Year”.
Through a couple years of patching my child’s good eye, and then
later using eye drops to dilate the good eye, all of which strengthened the
muscles in the lazy eye, the doctors were able to get him to about 20/50 in lazy
eye. He can now wear either glasses or contacts, and alternates between them.
Lately he’s been wearing the contacts almost daily, which should come as no
surprise, because just last week I dropped some coin for his new glasses. Reminds
me of “Gift of the Magi” and all that. Anyway, it was a tough row getting that
eye fixed, but things are good for him now.
And to be fair, I should have suspected that something might
be up with at least one of my children’s eyes.
Though I have never worn glasses, my eyes are not the bastion of perfect
vision. Yes, it’s another story
interwoven into my larger story. I know you love it when my crazy train comes
off the track.
Anyway…when I was 12, we were doing an experiment in science
class…something to do with vision. At this point…and I know this will shock you
because I remember many random things…I do not recall exactly what it was we
were doing. But I knew at the time, and that’s what’s important. So I was
relaying it to my parents at dinner that night. I said something to the effect
of, “Yeah, and when you looked at your finger, it was supposed to look like it
was jumping from side to side. But mine didn’t.”
They kind of said, “What?” and quickly got me into an eye
doctor.
The doctor did all the tests and determined that I was
20/400 in my left eye, but 20/20 in my right. But because of my age, they
figured there was nothing they could do and to try to fix the lazy eye; with
all the reading I was doing, it would give me headaches and probably wouldn’t
correct the problem. The struggle would not be worth the probable results.
So for my whole life, my right eye has been carrying the
load. I have peripheral vision in my left and have to have a restriction on my
license (which only necessitates that I have to have outside mirrors on both
sides, which all cars do these days. I’d say that law is slightly archaic…but
no one asked me.)
My husband thinks he’s being funny when I talk about my
vision and he’s sitting on my left. He will pretend to do things as though I can’t see him. I may be LEGALLY blind, but I
can still see him. He usually gets smacked for it. So as you can tell, it’s a mature,
healthy game we like to play together.
So anyway, when my now-11yo was having all his vision
strengthening, I figured I should get my eyes checked. By that point, it had
been about 22 years…I was probably due. And just so you know, I had them test
the then 4yo as well.
We both checked out
just fine. I’ll have to admit, I was slightly disappointed. I thought my time
had come to select my latest fashion accessory, for certain that I would need
some cute reading glasses. I wasn’t even afraid of a little “granny chain”
(sorry grannies out there who are reading this…but I’m pretty sure we all know
why it’s called it that) around my neck. I would be a trend-setter among my
demographic. I wasn’t afraid.
OK maybe the granny chain was crossing the line, but I was
ok with reading glasses. And yet they continued to elude me.
Fast forward to about six months ago.
I could tell I was having some problems…after reading for a
while, the page would swim a little bit. I would have to really concentrate to
make the words not jump on the page. Driving at night in the rain became a
concern (not horribly concerning, but slightly off-putting.)…enough to make me
really hesitate to do it.
But I thought, “Hey! I’m not 40 yet! I can wait until then…40
is the age when you’re supposed to start having those problems.” For all my
prior excitement, I was kind of fighting it.
Well…as the summer turned into fall, and I was driving more
at night (you know, because of Daylight Savings and all that fun stuff), I knew
I didn’t have another year to wait.
So I made my appointment, fully expecting to come out with
some super-cute pink reading glasses…no big deal, right? I even had plants to
bead my own granny chain. OK, maybe that’s a little over-zealous, but it was a
possibility.
Ha! Once again, I was reminded that God has a sense of
humor. The eye doctor and I went through the dance of the eye exam…”Which one
is better? This one? Or this one? How about this one or this one? What about
the first one and the third one? Which one is clearer?”
So when the exam was complete, he told me that I had several
options. I could: get just one pair either for my distance issues or for my
up-close work; get two pairs…one for each issue; or get bi-focals which would
help with both problems and I could wear them all the time if I wanted to. I’m certain the look on my face belied what I was
thinking. And I’m certain he knew the look was coming because IMMEDIATELY upon
saying the word “bi-focals”, he followed it up with “You’re not old!”
Phew.
He went on to explain the benefits and draw-backs of each
option. But I already knew I was all-in to the bi-focals. Why? Because I have a
hard enough time trying to keep track of my sunglasses. At least once a year, if not twice a year, I
make a bulk purchase of them from Graveyardmall.com…it’s where high prices go
to die (actually, they have that as their slogan any more, but I kind of miss it). I love that website. It has some really random and odd things…things you’ll look at and think, “Wow…that’s a very
specific target market they were going for…no wonder that didn’t sell too well
on the initial go-round.” Or you might think, “Hey, that’s kind of weird but I
think I need that.” Check it out. But check it out often…things can move kind
of fast on there too. You’d hate to miss out on something you never knew you
needed.
But I digress…my point is that I have trouble keeping track
of sunglasses. And the thought of having to keep track of TWO pairs of prescription
glasses made me a little twitchy. Plus the thought of only correcting one issue seemed not ideal either. I would love to be able to read
those street signs before getting right up to them, but I would also like to be
able to read a book for long stretch without words jumping on my page. I’m
picky that way.
I asked him about contacts…I figured if my 11yo could do it,
I should be more than able. Unfortunately he put the kibosh on that right away.
He said because of the increased chance of infection with contacts,
he would highly discourage that for me because if I would get an infection in
my right eye, I wouldn’t really be able to do anything. Yeah, good point. I like to be
able to see.
So, in the words of my friend Fancy Nancy, I decided to “Suck
it up, Buttercup” and go for the bi-focals. The first pair I pulled off the
rack ended up being the pair I ordered, although I did try on several. I had
brought the PBA with me to the appointment. They worked on math and etymology
while they waited. Party, party.
And as I mentioned above, I needed the 11yo to be there as well...he was was due for some new
glasses. So when they brought him into the room to select his frames, he saw me wearing the ones I was ordering: “Are you getting glasses?!? Wow,
you look different!”
"Well, thanks!" He didn't really say anything bad so I decided to take his comment as a compliment…any way I can get one, right?
He immediately turned on his heel (the one in his size 8
shoe, BTW…that’s just craziness) to inform his brother…who then sauntered into
the room. (I had, by then, taken the glasses off. I wasn’t mentally prepared
for what the 9yo might say. Lacking filter sometimes, that one.) “Hey I want to see you in your new glasses!”
Translation: “I bet you look weird and I can’t wait to make a scathing remark
which will be on the edge of hurtful and yet my cuteness will let me get by
with it.”
“Sorry darling, you have to wait until they come in.” He
wasn’t buying it but he did go back to the waiting room.
One word of advice, my reading public. Bi-focals: not the cheapest glasses
you can get. I didn’t go for the most
expensive frames, just so you know. Those Coach ones were absolutely lovely,
but when I glimpsed the price tag, I just left them on the shelf where they were. And I must confess that I was SO appreciative
that my doctor gives a discount for those of us without vision coverage…although
I believe there’s a possibility that we’ll be adding it to our policy in the
near future.It might be three of us in glasses before too long. My hubby is pushing 42, and I think his arms might be shrinking a
little bit. But I told him
he has to wait until January because there’s no flexible spending money left in
the pot.
We had been wondering just a couple weeks ago how we were
going to spend the rest of the money in our flexible spending account (since
over-the-counter meds no longer qualify…thanks, Mr. President!). But have no
fear. We figured out where that money
was going to go. Mama’s got to look cute. I may need to see but looking cute
was still a priority. As I said, I didn’t go for the Coach, but I wasn’t going to
nickel-and-dime my choice either. Sorry, darling.
When you average it out, it’s not that much per month…to you
know, be able to see and stuff. Kind of money well spent, I figure. I’m
considering putting a sign on the car just to let other drivers know how much
they should appreciate my glasses. Otherwise I’m afraid they will a) go through
life without noticing their cuteness or b) be unaware of how safe I drive with them on. Both
of which truly should be recognized.
One last thing to end my rambling diatribe on my 39yo self
getting bi-focals. I want to extend a huge “Thank You” to my husband. I called him as soon as I got home from the
doctor, wanting him to be the first one (well, other than the PBA) so hear my
latest news. My oh-so-loving, supportive and sympathetic husband, upon hearing
that I had to get bi-focals, said: “Ha! Old lady!”
Thank you, my darling…it’s support like this which has kept
the magic alive in our marriage for lo these 14 ½ years. Thanks for not
disappointing. I love you, Mr. Always
Random & Usually Shallow. (BTW my faithful readers…I haven’t forgotten my
next installment of How I Met Mr. Always Random & Usually Shallow…but
writing out such a momentous event takes time. You can’t rush these things.
Your continued patience is appreciated!)
I assure you, as you will all SEE, he’s a keeper. (You see…ha!
I did it again…what I did there? It’s funny because I was just talking about
glasses and then I said “you will see”…ask someone to explain if you need to.
And if you need someone to explain it, you probably have missed many other
things in my posts which, I assure you, are hilarious.)
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