Rules for the Beach

It’s not that I love rules or anything…ok maybe I do. I L.O.V.E. rules. And I love R.U.L.E. F.O.L.L.O.W.E.R.S….those who take pride in the fact that they see a list of rules, read the list of rules, retain the list of rules. And then, here’s the real caveat: FOLLOW the list of rules. I try to fall into that category as often as I can. I'm sure this will surprise you (especially if you have not read Pedals Take 3...oh yeah, that's a good read right there. A whole insight into me. Scary stuff...right in time for Halloween.)

I’m sure that many of you will read this and think, “Yes, something like this should be posted at every beach. And someone should be paid to help monitor this.” And I’m willing to take that job if anyone’s offering to pay me to do it. Just say the word.

I love my life in the mid-west: the snow, the ice, all that fun, winter-y stuff. The PBA rue the fact that they don’t get snow days, but they do get days of schoolwork in their PJs, which is just about the same thing. And they get out earlier than the public school kiddos.

But at this point, I would seriously consider living in a trailer on the beach (the right beach, of course), and be willing to be said beach monitor. I would have to have a job in order to live on The Island (Hilton Head Island, in case you didn’t know)…and it’s not cheap to live here. It’s not that I’ve looked into it, but if the prices at the Piggly Wiggly are any indication, this place is a little on the pricey side.

So…I know you’re dying to know, “What are the rules?” So glad you asked…here they are in no particular order:

• Even though it is a beach and there are no “lanes”, you still need to observe the same courtesy you would to other drivers or pedestrians. We are in America…stay to the right. This is for walkers, joggers, cyclists, or anyone else who may be moving down the beach in some fashion.
• If you are walking along and come upon someone out for a leisurely stroll and you feel the need to pass, pass on the left and move quickly. A friendly nod of acknowledgement of the pass would be a nice thought, but only a suggestion…not a rule.
• If you walk your dog on the beach, please be sure to bring something with which to pick up the poo. Yes, we are all outside enjoying God’s creation. And yes, ‘tis true that the poo is biodegradable. But not immediately. And not if it is on the bottom of my shoe, or squished between my toes.
• If the beach is wide open with very few occupants, there is no need to set up camp right next to the only other family out there for hundreds of yards. I assure you that it will be ok if you spread out just a bit. No need to huddle together for warmth.
• Even if you are on your Honeymoon and want to impress you new hubby, please do not show everything off to the other hubbies on the beach.
• If you are single and wanting to attract a husband, also, please do not show everything off to the hubbies on the beach.
• Men – no worries, there is a rule for you too. If you choose to wear a Speedo…yeah…I don’t have any other stipulations to this one. Simply wearing the Speedo in public on the beach will grant you a hefty fine.  Notice it is the only rule with a fine…must tell you something about the severity of this offense.
• If you choose to smoke at the beach, you will need to dispose of your cigarettes in an approved receptacle, provided for your convenience. Do not toss there wherever you happen to be when you finish one. Sure they’re at least partially biodegradable, but I’m sorry…it’s still littering. There is almost nothing more disgusting than bending over to pick up a “shell” and discovering that it is someone’s soggy cigarette. Notice I said there is ALMOST nothing more disgusting. For more disgusting, please see the above discussion of doggie poo.
• Pack it in, pack it out. Throw your trash away in the trash cans.  There’s nothing funny about it.

I also have a couple recommendations, which not hard and fast rules, but possibly should be:

• If the tide is coming in and you plan to do something which will require you to leave your personal items on the beach unattended, for example either a) go for a swim in the ocean, or b) go for a walk or bike ride…please be sure that the distance you place them from the incoming tide is proportional to the length of time you’ll be away from said items. Otherwise, they will be swept out to sea. Again…nothing funny about that. Just simple common sense right there. And yet I saw a few single shoes washed up on the beach which appeared to have had recently returned from a trip out to sea.
• If you are looking at some new discovery and think it MAY be poo of some kind, use something other than your hands to pick it up. Do not pick it up and bring it in the general direction of someone else and then ask, “Do you think this is poop?” (Yeah, this kind of happened to us…and I will not divulge the name of the person who did it. But you can probably narrow it down to one of two individuals.)

I’m certain there are other rules which will come to mind, but those are the ones I have off the top of my head. Feel free to submit this list to the appropriate authorities to start the wheels in motion for these necessary rules to begin being enforced…should you be so inclined. I’m sure all of you who read me are in high-up positions carrying with them an immense amount of clout. I’m pretty in with the movers & shakers, so I know it will end up being an appointed position. I’m going to start packing.