Mack is Missing

This morning while emptying the dishwasher, I noticed that one of the knives….actually, not just any ole’ knife, it’s the main knife I use… had gone missing.

It lives in the butcher block on my counter and I use it for everything.

And now it’s missing.

I should say “he” is missing. His name is Mack.

Mack the Knife.

Oh yes I did.

Now that song is stuck in your head.

And I didn’t really name my knife Mack…I just wanted to say that.

I looked everywhere I could think of.

Not in the dishwasher.

Not even in the bottom of the dishwasher (you know how sometimes things fall through and end up swirling around the little cesspool in the bottom of the washer during the wash cycle).

Not mistakenly put away in the silverware drawer.

Not mistakenly put away in one of the miscellaneous other drawers in the kitchen.

Not in the garage because Mr. Always Random spontaneously used it during the flooring project; for the record, I don’t know what he would have used it for, but stranger things have happened and it was a thought.

I was stymied.

And frustrated.

I really needed that knife.

OK, “NEED” is a little strong, and somewhat subjective. I WANTED that knife back.

I do have other knives but they’re just not the same.

I’m a one-knife kind of gal.

Some people call that loyal; others might call it deranged.

My next inclination…and I think this might be an unsettling one… is that perhaps one of the children took it.

I had an 11yo who was pretty mad at me earlier in the week, and maybe in a moment of extreme anger and frustration he had taken it in order to take revenge?

Perhaps I have seen too many crime dramas in which children take justice and revenge into their own hands…

So after I got the PBA upandatem (You know I’m saying here, don’t you? “up and at them?”…I can’t imagine why spellcheck gave me a red squiggly underline on that…and I don’t even really know what that means literally…who are we at-ing? And what does it mean to “at” someone? I assume that the they are probably the same people to whom my grandmother refers when she says ”Well, that’s what they say.” Who are the “they” of whom we speak?...but I digress)this morning, they were corralled in my office so I casually (so as not to create alarm) mentioned that I was missing a knife.

They, of course, asked which knife.

Me: OK, which knife isn’t really important…if you don’t have a knife from the kitchen, then what does it matter to which knife I am referring?

I actually did not SAY that...I just thought it. Didn’t want to tip my hand in their favor.

So then I wondered if they were thinking in their heads, “I need to know which knife she’s missing. Is she missing the knife I took? Oh, no, she’s looking for a DIFFERENT knife than the one I took; I’m ok. Phew…”

Yes, I’m more and more convinced that perhaps I have watched one too many crime dramas.

Or after-school specials.

Or a combination thereof.

I’m impressionable to say the least.

Regardless…I wasn’t entirely pleased with how the conversation was progressing.

Actually, I wasn’t REMOTELY pleased.

I told them which knife, and they both looked at each other in disbelief, eyebrows raised, eyes enlarged,  and heads shaking a vigorous “no”. (Can you picture this?)

They also immediately blamed it on their father.

And yes, they might be on to something. I automatically assumed it was them, but it could be him.

I tabled that thought for the moment.

Me: Are you SURE you don’t know where the knife is?

Simultaneously they replied: Nope.

Cautiously, I continued: Maybe you have it hidden in your room…plotting your attack? 

Maybe thinking you would use it to kill me?

Again, I got raised eyebrows, enlarged eyes and shaking heads.

Me: Because if you are planning that, it would be wrong.

9yo: (no longer choosing to align himself with his brother, spoke only for himself) No, I don’t have it.

11yo: Yeah, I don’t have it either…besides, I already have knives in my room.

Oh yeah…I’d forgotten about the various pocket knives he has stashed in there. Those could probably kill me too.

I’m rethinking a whole bunch of things right now…and I am still missing that knife.

Editor's Note: And just in case you were wondering, IF this knife does reappear, the blog WILL be entitled, "Look Out Old Mackie is Back!" (Anyone?...)