Valentines and Anatomy

Yes, I am well aware that Valentine's Day was yesterday, but I couldn't get this all nicely packaged in time...so just pretend while you're reading it that it is still Valentine's Day. 

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Me: Good morning, Boys! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Both PBA: Mumble, mumble, mumble…while shoving in the pumpkin bread I so lovingly made just for them for Valentine’s Day…sure, it seems like a fall treat but they love Pumpkin bread…what’s not to love right? Plus I got the pumpkin on clearance for 49 cents/can….yes, you read that right…Libby’s pumpkin for 49 cents/can in December. And it has an expiration date in another year and a half. I think it was a mis-marked price, but I was all over it. I believe I bought 8 cans. Don’t judge.

Undaunted, I continued my one-sided conversation…

Me: So, did you get all your Valentine’s Day shopping done?

Sideways glances at one another and then blank stares at me…

Me: Did you get your Valentine something special?

11yo: (Insert eye roll…are you noticing that we’re seeing the eye roll inserted more and more into the conversations…good times; and add to this eye roll a big, exasperated sigh) Mom, I don’t HAVE a Valentine. (To be fair, I knew that already…just wanted to see what they each might say.)

Me: Oh, well what about me?

And then I pointed to myself and batted my eyelashes…they were unimpressed.

Another eye roll, from both this time...no worries, I was prepared for it.

9yo: That’s a little weird…you’re the teacher. Why would we get our TEACHER a Valentine?

Me: Wouldn’t you get a Valentine for your teacher if you went to public school?

9yo: Well, yeah…

Me: So why not me…the woman who carried you within her body for 9 months. Well, 8 months for you (pointing to the 11yo)…almost 9 months for you (pointing to the 9yo)…but you get the point? Either way it was a long time. 

PBA (in chorus): Oh…that’s gross.

Me: Well, didn’t I?

11yo: I guess, but that’s gross to think about.

From there, the conversation became kind of a blur, as we spiraled downward into an odd discussion of who was born when and how, amidst many other things. 

To fill in for those of you who were not there (that would be MOST of you), the 9yo had, in fact, been a scheduled c-section at 38.5 weeks. And even though it was a c-section, they still had to use forceps on the kid. He was apparently enjoying his nap and didn’t want to come out.

I can understand that.

And my retelling of the story culminated in my 9yo saying: Yeah, maybe I was in there gnawing on your bones.

11yo: Well, that’s disgusting.

Me: Yeah ok…I have to explain something… it’s not like the baby is just in there all loosey-goosey, next to organs and bones and stuff…the baby is in a sack of liquid.

I knew as soon as the words were spoken that they might have been more than the PBA wanted to hear. Over breakfast, no less.

Both: Eeww!

9yo: (incredulously) A sack?

Me: Yeah, that’s right.

I offered no further information. I was in over my head and was trying to pull the rip cord.

11yo: And BTW (turning to his brother)…you wouldn’t be able to gnaw on her bones because you wouldn’t have any teeth.

Clearly the PBA have not completely covered reproductive anatomy…and may not be quite ready for full disclosure.