Farts Are Funny

Last night at bedtime, I was feeling a bit anxious. I knew the 10yo was anxious about today's surgery and I wasn't sure how it would manifest at bedtime.

I didn't know what the conversation would bring, but anticipated some tears (I won't lie...from both of us) as the anticipation was kind of taking its toll.

He asked me to pray, and I was happy to oblige.

About halfway through the prayer, I heard a long, low rumble under the covers.

And then violent shaking of the bed and stiffled laughter.

Always the professional, I forged ahead and pretended to be unaware of the giggling going on just inches away.

As soon as I closed, my 10yo informed me, "I farted."

Me: Yes well, God made farts so He wasn't offended that you didn't it during prayer. (I am totally making assumptions here...the Bible doesn't address this topic specifically but I am basing it on what I know about God. Please don't try to debate my theology here.)

10yo:  I tried to hold it in but I just couldn't.

Unaware that I was was delving into an inpromptu science lesson, I replied: Yes, well, sometimes you just can't. What is a fart anyway?

10yo: It's gassy poop. (more laughter)

Me (insert eyeroll...can I just tell you how thankful I am that eyerolls are not auditory, but that's a topic for another day): I'm pretty sure poop does not always accompany it. Do we need to check your skivvies?

10yo (horrified): No!

Me: Ok, so farts are gas, just like burps are gas. When your digestive system has too much gas, it needs to be released, right?

10yo: Yes...

Me: So it either comes out as a burp or a fart.

Can I just pause and tell you how up until a few years ago I had only used the word "fart" maybe 5 times in my life (I realize that it could be more...that's all I can recall...I could have blocked it out, I suppose)...and now it's like saying "ice cream." Just rolls off the tongue.

10yo: So how does it know where to come out?

Me: I guess whichever end of the digestive system the gas is closest to...

For the record, this was not at all the direction I thought the bedtime conversation would go...

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No Florence Nightingale

Of course, it goes without saying that I don’t like it when my child is sick.

Or if my children are both sick…which fortunately it hasn’t often happened in the 10 + years in which I have had multiple children sick at the same time.

I probably just jinxed that; be prepared for a blog describing that in a few days.

Be very surprised if it doesn’t come to pass.

But…regardless of how many people in my house are sick, I am no Florence Nightingale. Or Clara Barton. 

Or any other famous nurse…are there any others because I am drawing a blank on names if so.

And I apologize to them…because I am sure that they are reading this blog.

Nurse Ratchet might be a better description.

Don’t judge.

I am well-aware that there are many of you out there just like me. Which is why nurses (and doctors and other people who make it their profession to serve others physical ailments) are in high demand.

And let’s be honest, if I am not kind and loving toward my family (whom I actually love) when they are sick, it’s probably not getting any better with strangers.

I don’t do blood, or vomit, or diarrhea, or even snotty tissues all over the floor.

I run a tight ship.

Towels and blankets and trash cans all around…lest you have need of any of them.

Decorative pillows are all but removed from the room (and sometimes they are removed from the room).

If you’re sick, you’re probably not paying attention to the décor anyway…am I right? Well, I am but probably none of the y-chromosomes in this house are.

But for some reason, illness typically brings out the best in my children’s manners. Lots of “pleases” and “thank yous”.

Lots of compliments.

Lots of “Thank you for taking care of me.”

Apparently I thinly-veil how I truly feel about running a sanatorium.

But today might have been one of my favorite “sick-kid conversations” ever:

As my 10yo is languishing in a chair, watching TV…also in the midst of a 2-hour nap hangover of sorts (You know what I’m talking about…lying down for a quick snooze and waking up hours later…it has a hangover effect. At least that’s what they tell me it’s like…because I certainly wouldn’t know about things like that!)

Me: (From the kitchen) Do you need anything to eat or drink?

10yo: No, I don’t believe I need anything right now, but thank you so much for asking.

Be still my heart…it takes him being sick to show it, but he CAN have good manners.

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